4 Lessons Learned in 8 months as a mom
- Dec 28, 2015
- 5 min read
I became a mom about 8 months ago. Actually, it was 245 days ago. That is how long it has been since I met my amazing son. That is also how long it has been since I slept more than 3 hours at a stretch. I didn't even know I could still function like this.
In those nearly 245 days I have learned a lot. I mean A LOT. So, when Amy asked me to write, I naturally went to my favorite topic: my son and parenting. I present to you my 4 biggest parenting lessons so far.
I WAS RIGHT
I have been preaching for years the importance of social supports for parents. I can recite facts about how important this is including a monetary value of social support. I teach it in every parenting class I have ever done. I. Was. So. Right.
A posse, a gang, a tribe, a cartel, a circle. Whatever you want to name it you need one.
I have an incredible husband who is an amazing father. He’s great. But I am here to tell you that you need more.
To ensure I was doing what I could to be the best mom, wife and professional possible while warding off the much feared postpartum depression I made a commitment to myself that I would ensure I maintained and grew my network of great people to learn from. I also promised myself that these intentional relationships would be for personal as much as professional growth and that they were part of my overall wellness (read: keeping my sanity) plan.
Therefore, I would schedule lunch, coffee, drinks, etc to ensure I had the best support network EVER.
Admittedly, it is easy to let this slip when life takes over and you get busy. Lunches are hard to find time for, evenings are precious and weekends are packed. To stay true to my commitment to myself not to get lost in the day to day craziness I often make lunch plans weeks in advance to accommodate my schedule. I also have to juggle many appointments and often run late. I even show up at the wrong coffee shop because I am confused about where I am supposed to be. But that time with my people are some of the best (and most important) of the week.
Our time together isn’t all about evolving into better people and talking about how to better ourselves. Sometimes I need my people to listen when I say “Oh. My. Gosh. I was so tired this morning I forgot underwear. What is wrong with me?” Our conversations are varied in depth but always leave me energized and smiling.
Some of my people have children, some work outside of the home, some have children my age and others are in the exact same point of life that I am. They are all different. And they all have incredible things to teach me.
In addition to simply making sure the meetups happen I have also been intentional about reaching out to new people. Soon after returning to work, I reached out to an acquaintance of mine and literally said “I really admire how you have been able to balance your life as a professional and as a mom. I could learn from you and want to expand my network. Are you willing to meet for lunch?” She said yes. It was great. We met again after that. And again after that. I just returned from lunch with her again. We talk about kids. About work. About anything really. I enjoy her company and learn from her every time. I only hope one day I can repay the favor for another new mom.
I GIVE GREAT ADVICE
I was talking to one of my people about some of my worries. This isn’t surprising. I am always worried about something. She said to me “Someone once told me something that really helped me. They said ‘‘the fact that you are worrying makes you a good mom.’” I nodded my head and thought “that actually makes sense.” She then said “Actually, I think it was you who told me that!”
Sometimes I just talk. Sometimes I say smart things. Who knew?
She (I) was right. Good moms worry. They question. They recognize where they can do better and do better. And then they let things go. Because worrying about yesterday destroys today. And today is important because your little baby will be grown before you know it.
YOU CAN’T BE EVERYTHING
I asked one of my people “how can I be everything? How can I be the best mom? The best wife? The best employee?” She said “You can’t. You don’t. Some days you will be the best mom and a crappy employee. Some days you will be a good wife and not so great on the mom side. It’s okay. Be your best”
She gives good advice too. She is also authentic.
I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF
“Is he sleeping through the night?” “Where is his bed?” “How much is he eating?” “When does he go to bed?” The list of questions is endless and mostly well meaning. People are genuinely interested in how things are going.
But I found myself not just answering questions but offering long drawn out explanations about why we are making the decisions we are making in regards to our son (yup, he’s still in our bedroom. And I’m okay with that).
Why? Am I uncomfortable with our choices? No, they have been made together and in most cases have been exhaustively researched.
Do I feel judged for my choices? Yes.
But why? My people deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt. They are likely thinking “They are doing the best they know how and what they know their child needs” because aren’t we all just trying to figure this parenting stuff out as we go?
They probably aren’t judging. They may not understand our choices. They may not agree with our choices. But that is okay. I need to trust that they will ask questions if they want to know more. I also need to trust that when they ask questions they genuinely want to know more, they aren’t judging.
This honesty and support is the only way we will learn from each other. This is how we grow and strengthen our social supports.
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That’s it. That my 4 biggest lessons so far. There have been countless others along the way. Like how to cook an entire meal with only one hand while singing a constant stream of nursery rhymes. There are still lessons to be learned. Like how do you know when the baby is actually crying versus the phantom cries that I hear every. time. I. shower.
There have also been countless mistakes. Honestly, I once picked my baby up upside down.Truly, legs by my shoulders, head dangling down. I was tired. Seriously, 245 days. Not more than 3 hours at a time. Ever.
What is your best parenting lesson?
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As part of a series, I have asked other women in my life (close and far away) to join AuthenticallyAmy as a guest blogger on the topic #messyperfectlife. In each experience, there is a piece of both. The duality of those is what keeps us learning and growing. Sometimes messy is dominant and sometimes perfect is dominant, but it's always a blend.
Each guest blogger has tackled this topic in their own way--and that is perfect! They are discussing their life moments, glimpses of the successes and failures and more. It's a village, and there is so much power is sharing.
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